*nEw yEaR's eVe*

Coming shortly is a new year
But yet things seem unclear
Though I have some company here
Still feel nobody’s with me near.

A year has passed with such haste
Some things were perceived with grace
Others, desolately, have gone to waste
Every single journey appeared to be a race.

Like the fireworks I hear from outside my window
I’m oblivious to what this coming year shall bestow
Will things go high for me or low?
That, I suppose, is what I need to know.

*brokenHURT

the heart can only be broken once.. you may find someone who could gather all the pieces together.. but no one can ever put it back the way it was.. it's like a deep cut.. the wound may heal.. but the scar will remain.. forever..

--i am sorry i'm not sorry--

I have not been the ideal person for you. My treatment to you may not conform to our custom and people may find my actions peculiar. I may have violated some of your rules and though it doesn’t show, guilt was eating me every time I’ve wronged you. But of all the transgressions I’ve committed, self-reproach has left me this time. I was sorry for breaking your rule. But I’m sorry as well for not feeling sorry for what I did. I know you think it’s wrong and you believe it’s unconventional, but I have my own reasons.

It’s not about breaking rules anymore, or breaking one’s trust. It’s about being responsible and mature enough to stand with your decisions. It’s pushing through your limit but at the same time putting up another set of rules, not for others but for yourself. Setting your own limitations and constructing your guidelines in accordance with your own principles and set of standards.

I wish I can make you understand and see things through my perspective but I know it’s impossible. You may want to hear more of my reasons but I will refuse because I’m afraid it will only complicate matters. I’m not good at expressing myself, or expounding my thoughts, or defending myself, because when I do, I often lose myself, I tear apart, and nothing will make sense.

..reality check..

.. most people say they have forgiven and forgotten.. but.. were they convinced?..

ForgEt yoU.. ForGet yOu Not..

forgetting seems hard especially if there is always something there to remind you.. (kanta yun ah?! (--,))

funny and distressing.. because every time you strive to get over things.. there are various entities that will suddenly come out just to impede with your memories again.. things may be.. or places.. or people.. or even shallow reasons.. avoiding is way impossible to do.. you will only end up in denial but.. the 'aching part' is still within.. it's always easy to tell yourself that you wouldn't be affected anymore and that you've already moved on.. but convincing yourself is difficult.. you may project to everyone else that you're doing good but your own eyes can never deceive them.. for some reasons one may not understand.. 'diverting your attention' is always on top of everyone else's to-do list in terms of dealing with this situation.. but we have to admit.. no one has gone successful - fully - using this kind of strategy.. again.. you will only end up in denial..

i once read in a book that if you want to get past the hurt.. or any emotion.. you have to ‘learn to detach’.. and by detaching.. ‘you have to throw yourself first to your emotions.. you have to dive in and experience fully either the pain.. the love.. or the grief’.. after recognizing these emotions.. detachment should take its place..

seems useful.. but still complicated.. because i don’t think it will be that easy to detach yourself from something you’ve just plunged into.. one fact to consider is that you might get used to your emotions during the process.. but what if it’s pain? or grief? it is very unhealthy to get used to the feeling of hurting and grieving.. it will only make you worse.. as well as the life you were trying to make better..

forgetting.. i believe.. is a lifetime process.. however you deal with your emotions.. its depth may change in time.. but one cruel truth is.. forgetting is unattainable..

'abstrusePSYCHE'

in the midst of nothingness

searching through darkness

embracing loneliness

comprehending vagueness

befriending uncertainties

playing with vulnerabilties

absorbing obscurities

appreciating difficulties

drudging malfunctions

living with illusions

addicted to intrusions

slave of temptations

HhmmM...

there's no problem in drowning..staying alive is where we'll find the complications..

LookiNg foR My bRokeBaCk*

Just the other night, I watched “Brokeback Mountain” on DVD. I believe the movie was a hit but then some friends warned me that I might fall asleep while watching the movie. For the record, I didn’t fall asleep. Actually, I found myself contemplating after I watched the movie. It was such a sad story. It made me feel sad. Very seldom would a movie take an effect on me after watching it. Surprisingly, this movie is one of those. I was intrigued before of how the movie would go having an unusual theme. But then as I watched the movie, the story itself caught me.

The film tells a story about forsaken love due to the confirmation to society. But through time, they realized how deep their feelings are for each other that they even found a way to still be connected and be together. What caught me here was the realization that time itself cannot erase or change what a person really feels. They both have their own lives and yet, they still find themselves longing for each other. It made me realize how regretful it will be to walk away from something or someone who really means a lot to you. That no matter what we do, if the feeling is true, it will never leave us and we will eventually find ourselves looking forward the day to be with the one we really love. They may be wrong about the lies they keep from their families and their love can never justify what they do but still, I somehow admire how they find a way to express their love for each other. That they’d even go beyond their boundaries. I’m not saying that I favor infidelity. It will never be right. It’s just that I find their love to be very powerful that it binds them through time.

I even envy them for they have the “Brokeback Mountain” to go back to every time. I’ve lost a love and like them, it would be very wrong to have the flame back because like them, we both have our own commitments. But unlike them, I have no idea if I’d be able to express myself on the other line. Until now, I’m wishing for my own “Brokeback Mountain” to go back to.

--cuTs aNd bRuiSes--

Promises, they say, are always meant to be broken.

If you must swear it’s still best, to leave things unspoken.

Better do what you intend, than speak of it often.

Fall short to keep your word; sure a heart will cut open.

Funny how it is to hear those words which sounds so sweet.

Genuine it may seem all that’s uttered in every bit.

But grief will enfold as you uncover the deceit.

Don’t you ever succumb or the misery won’t fleet.

Hardships you will find to recuperate from the pain.

Things will be more complicated each time you complain.

Complexities may come but you need to keep you sane.

Coz in time you will heal though the memories remain.

con--CERN--able

...
Discern what is concealable… Conceal what is discernible…

...
We could learn everything about life through living life itself. We just have to be keen and broad. Do not limit yourself to perceive what is apparent. Extend your mind beyond what is obvious. Things are not always what they seem to be. Though sometimes, some things are better obscured than revealed. Truth binds, but under rare circumstance, it could cripple and much worse—annihilate.

'destineME'

***

***

Finding a partner is one of the most crucial things one could ever decide on---that’s if it’s really meant to be decided. We always hear people say that they were destined for each other or destiny brought them together. But, are we really to blame destiny or is it all a matter of deciding if we want to end up with that certain person or not? Is destiny for real?

All people are connected by a thin line, which means that no matter how we try to choose whom to bump to or to talk to in our everyday struggle, we will always fail for we are all connected with each other by all means. People come and go in our lives, mostly, regardless of our consent. One day we will meet this person and the other day the other will step out of our life. Sometimes we get to be acquainted with someone and then it all ends there—you were nothing but acquaintances. But sometimes, we just met someone across the street not knowing that that person will play a huge part in our life.

The moment we meet someone is when we can say that destiny has brought us something but it has to stop there. We should never leave it to the “wherever destiny should take us” thing. After that phase in our life, it’s all up to our preferences if how deep we would want to get involved with that person.

I say choosing our partner is crucial because ‘trial and error’ will never be applicable to that. We will only end up shattered if we stick with that kind of scheme redundantly. Having a partner will take a big effect on our life, be it major or minor: decision making, way of living, everyday routine, and a lot more. It’s all because we decided to share a life with someone. It may not change who we are but it is where we start to make considerations for the person we decided to spend life with. So ‘trial and error’ is a no-no. Imagine going through several failed relationships and ending up with another failure—it surely will break us.

I’m not implying here that once we meet someone and decided to be with that someone for the rest of our life, we should stick with that someone even things went wrong. It is still for us to decide whether we still like to keep the relationship or not. If things can still be fixed and we feel—and think—that we can still live a life with that person, then go. But if we can see that being with that person will only make things horrible, letting go is our last resort. It will be the best thing for anyone involved in the relationship. We shouldn’t stick with a person because we think destiny put us together and we believe that it is our duty to keep our bind together even if we don’t see things to be turning out right. Remember that destiny did not decide to bind us together. We chose to be together so it will also depend on our decision if we still want to keep the bond.

We have to remember that we will never find in a single being all the traits and personalities we are looking for. We just have to choose and decide who among them stands out. From that, we must learn to comprehend whatever flaws they have, which we will discover to be plenty, in the future.

One thing we have to keep in mind from the very start… Don’t let destiny decide for you, choose your own destiny.

`strEwn...........

'been pretty much occupied with thoughts and ideas lately.. but then it seems that something's giving me a hard time putting it altogether..hahay..

wHat No onE kNows woN't huRt...?

We do several things for several reasons. Most of the time, we choose to do things in a conventional way or in a way, which conforms to the society that surrounds us. But sometimes, we still do things with negligence on how deviant our acts are becoming or, it could be that we are very much aware that what we do is against the norm but still, we try to find reasons to justify our actions. But, regardless of however we try to justify our means, the fact that we are deviating from the norm will always be discernible and will always be condemnable.

At this point, in able to save ourselves from the negative criticisms and because of our eagerness to pursue what we are doing, we stick to the idea of --- “what no one knows won’t hurt”. But then, we have to keep in mind that we, ourselves, are the ones involved in the scenario. Our self-involvement only means self-awareness of our actions, which equates to none other than self-infliction of the hurt and the pain.

heaR mE >:0

i am what i am..

i am who i am..

i do not impair you nor interfere with your ways..

i follow my own preferences..

i live with my own idea of existence..

i don't have to keep up with your expectations..

if you cannot comprehend with my inclinations..

would that have to be my problem???

pLayiNg LiFe''

Life isn’t just about conforming to the environment you are in.
It’s like a game; it’s not all about breaking or abiding with the rule.
It’s about being creative enough in playing while being fair to yourself as well as with the people around you.
It’s also about enjoying the game but still keeping up with your goal.

spLittinG seLf..

We all have multiple personalities. Some just know how to deal with it while others end up torn apart.

True. Why? It’s because we act differently in front of different people. Why? It’s even because we play different roles to them. To some people we are friends while to others we are rivals. Sometimes we play the role of a listener but with others we have all the floors for talking. For some we are the tough ones but to others we are the weaklings. We sometimes have the widest room for understanding but at some instances we constrict our mind to certain ideas. We may have a single outlook in life or a single principle we believe in but we have to admit that we treat people differently from each other so we appear dissimilar to each and everyone of them.

The following reasons, I think, are to be considered for such tendencies: (1) people have different roles in our life that we just play what we believe are our roles to them in return, (2) we perceive people differently and we just try to deal with them as how we see them, (3) we understand that there are ways people wanted to be treated and we just conform to that.

Basically, we are unaware that we act diversely in some ways. It could be because it’s in our routine. But for some people, they lose grip of their personalities that’s why they end up lost and even worse – torn apart. They lose track of their real purpose and end up being a slave of uncontrollable tendencies instead of navigating their own lives. They keep on conforming to the society they are in and then forgetting their own ideology. That is where they lose their “self”, the sense of having their own identity, judgment, and concept of the life they want to live.

-','- tik - tak -,',-

Time really runs fast, as well as the opportunities and events that if we’ll try to ponder about it--- just passed through our senses in a blink. Lots of things happened, some of which we are very much in control of while others just took place regardless of our consent. But at some point, no matter how we tried holding on to something, and even if we drew so much effort just to make things right for us, it just simply wouldn’t.

`star gaze..

I had a funny story some weeks ago. I heard from a news program on television about a meteor shower happening on a Saturday midnight that week. So what I did was set my phone to alarm 15 minutes before midnight to remind me of the event. Saturday arrived and since I was doing nothing that night, I decided to stand by on our terrace earlier so that I will not miss the show. At 11:30 I was already sitting and staring at the stars. An hour has passed but I still don’t see anything. I thought that there was only a delay and that they just predicted the time inaccurately so I still waited. After 15 minutes I was thrilled because I finally saw a shooting star, so I gazed again because I was expecting that I’ll be seeing lots of falling stars. I was even avoiding blinking because I don’t want to miss a single star. But to my dismay, nothing else followed. I waited until 1:30 am but still not a single star fell. So I gave up. I went back into my room and throw myself on my bed. As I was lying, I suddenly felt stupid for what I did and laughed at myself. I can’t imagine I really waited that long just to watch the meteor shower and for believing that it will really happen. But then I thought what if I was gazing at the wrong direction? What if I did not wait long enough or maybe the meteor shower happened earlier before I went out? My only consolation was the single shooting star I saw.

Hahay! FOOL!!! (--,)

*haRd iT is*

it’s hard to let go of someone you truly love..

but at some instances..

it’s harder to leave someone who loves you the most..

especially when you’re aware that you mean the world to him.. and it shows..

[date created--07/13/06]

- saD Fact -

One sad thing is:

needing someone but not knowing if that someone wants to be needed by you.

[date created--02/13/07]

- LonEly foOtpriNt -

...

Living alone is like walking on sand...

...

...

and leaving only a footprint behind...

..

..

seLf-infLictEd pAin

It’s strange how we hurt others by leaving them, only to let ourselves get hurt. But it’s stranger how we let others hurt us when we can easily get out of the situation and free ourselves from the devastation they could bring us.

[date created--10/01/06]

Situations like these really happen. Someone leaves an old flame for a new one feeling dissatisfied with what he/she has. But then sometimes things turn out differently like getting hurt by the new flame he’s/she’s with. But what’s strange is how one tolerates the pain he/she receives.

I think it’s because we are naturally inclined to challenges. We sometimes hear people complain about how insensitive their partners are and that how they are mistreated but still keep the relationship. Challenge could be one of the reasons although no one will admit it and no one will think of it that way.

One is challenged to keep a relationship because:

- He/she believes that he/she has the ability to change one’s heart,
- He/she would like to believe that they need time to grow together and in time things will be all right,
- Unconsciously, one loves playing the role of a martyr,
- He/she believes enduring pain will lead to happiness even though it seems never ending,
- He/she thinks that he/she is really in love to be able to endure such pain,
- He/she realized that he/she left someone worth keeping for someone who, he/she thinks, is less but wants to prove everybody wrong and do everything to make the relationship look healthy.

Pain can sometimes be tolerable but we must be aware when to end it. Sometimes we become so blinded of the things we used to think that our significant other could give us that we always look forward to those things ignoring the real situation or state of the relationship. Some relationships are worth keeping or worth saving but if they are not doing any good to us, we should be prepared to take the challenge of losing that flame or else, that same flame will burn us and will leave nothing but ashes of regrets.

dEm!

Earlier this afternoon I was composing an article, which I was supposed to post here in my blog. But I wasn’t able to finish it because I needed to go somewhere so I decided to get back to it this evening. So I went out and do what my mom asked me to do while still spending some thoughts about the article I’m writing. As soon as I got back I hurried into my room and turned my computer on and get back to what I started earlier. I reread the first two paragraphs I did and when I was to start typing again, something weird happened. I can’t finish even a single sentence. All the things I thought of writing earlier were gone. The words have left me. Something altered my thoughts. Could it be the sadness I’m feeling lately? Because lately I just came to realize that I’m not over my heartache completely. Lately it just came to me that I’m still waiting for something to happen, which is of course favorable to me. And just lately I realized how such stupid was I!
I am done being miserable. I’m done with the hunger strike and avoiding people thing but what’s bothering me now is the thought that I am still WAITING! Such a pathetic thought! Tomorrow is the BIG day. There is no turning back after tomorrow and all hopes are going to die out after tomorrow. TOMORROW SUCKS! As well as them!DEM!

nOt LoVe buT LiFe..

Don’t look for someone whom you could share love for the rest of your life. Be with the one whom you can share life even if you take out love and passion.

[date created--02/12/06]

Often, we are asked about the characteristics or standards that meet our ideal partners. And often, we give the same answers such as; kind, caring, thoughtful, witty, patient, and most of all, someone who will love us back till death to us part. We often believe that love alone is the foundation of a relationship and love alone can withstand every trial that will come between couples. But, what is really essential in finding a partner? What should really be your standards?

All of us are trying to find the perfect someone for us, for we believe that if we found that someone, we will happily spend our life with that person. Once we decide to commit with someone, a vow always follows. We vow to be with our partner for whenever, however, and whatever it takes. We vow to understand, respect, and protect each other by all means. We vow to love each other for the rest of our lives. But, should love really be the basis to fulfill all these vows? Do love really lasts a lifetime?

We all are unique in our own ways, that’s why we are called individuals. When we decide to commit with someone, we don’t become one, we are still two individuals who just decided to share a life together. We still have different interests, moods, opinions, although we have similarities that made us jive together. As the relationship grows, the individuals concerning that relationship also grow. But the tendency is that some grow together while others grow apart and that is the sad part. Once they grow apart, they will eventually come to a decision to live apart from each other and that is where the relationship fails. What happens now to the vows made during the commitment? It all went to nothing. Ask the big question “WHY did the relationship fail?” and the answer is simple. It’s either one of them fell out of love, or both of them did.

Learning how to drive and committing ourselves with someone have similarities. When we decided that we want to learn how to drive, we always get nervous during our first few practices. We’re afraid of bumping onto something or breaking the car. But after going through that scary part, thrill comes when we finally learn how to drive. We often feel overwhelmed with the new skill we learned. It was like a very special skill for us. There will come a time that all we want to do is to drive all day and we won’t even feel tired. But then, as time passes, the thrill we felt when we first learned how to drive will wear out. We did not decide to loose the thrill but it just wears out naturally -- we got used to driving -- but the thing is, even if the thrill is gone, our driving skill is still there. And no matter what we do, we could never forget or take away that skill we’ve learned. We will always possess the skill of driving.

Before we decide to commit, we always think first of what ifs. What if he/she doesn’t really love me or what if we are not destined for each other? We are often afraid to make a decision because we are afraid to make mistakes and break our hearts. After thinking things through and we finally decided to commit, we’ll be on the stage of being the happiest person in the world because we thought that we were right with our decision. We really are in-love and that we really are meant for each other and we vow to be together forever. But in a relationship, like in driving, we will also get used to some things that we often do or we normally do. Things will become a routine, something like a cycle. In time, even the most special feeling we believe that keeps the relationship will also wear out, LOVE. Then we will ask ourselves, “How could this happen? We were so in love then. And we vowed to be in-love forever.”

In entering a commitment, assurance about staying in-love for the rest of your life should never be the only basis. It is not the most important thing in keeping the relationship. Naturally, things wear out, even our feelings that we never had the slightest idea of giving up. It is a fact that our love for the person is the main factor that helps us in decision-making with regards to committing ourselves, but we have to consider some other things. There are still other questions we have to ask ourselves like, can I stand living my life with him/her even if things went upside down? Can I live with all his/her not so pleasant manners and habits? Can I accept all his/her flaws and not get tired of it? Remember that once we commit to someone, that someone becomes our constant companion. We vowed to share a life with our partner and not just love. That even love wears out -- loyalty, respect, honesty, or in other words friendship, should still remain. That way, we get to keep our vows, as well as the relationship we treasure the most.

-- sTraNGeR --

every time we face the world.. we see a whole bunch of strangers.. but if you get to stare at your BACK facing the world.. you’ll see no difference between the world and your own figure.. for both will be strangers to you.. only.. at some instances.. oddity comes out when you find yourself more of a stranger than the world that you are trying to figure out..

ReMaininG pieCes*

i've lost a piece.. and it affected the most part of me.. almost every detail of what i am was altered.. unconsciously.. i was secluding myself from the people and things that surround me.. i was pretty much close to devastation.. regret was suffocating me.. i sank in sadness.. i let myself drown into sorrow.. i grieved.. and i let all the pain dwell upon me..

i drowned.. and by drowning.. i started to see things in a clearer view.. i've been illuminated by a thought that would have never come to me if i locked myself up in denial of the pain.. and though i went through a hard time contemplating on my miseries.. i've come to realize that all the feelings: regrets, sadness, and sorrow.. all of them commenced from our own decisions.. we are all in charge of our feelings and we should never let our feelings take in charge of us.. it is for us to decide on how are we going to respond on the events of our life.. and with that i have come up with a decision..

i've made a decision.. i don't want to live a life full of 'what might have been', 'if only' and 'what ifs'.. i don't want to get used to the sentiment of sadness, loneliness, and sorrow.. though it's impossible to forget that phase of my life, it will be all 'that was' for me.. most importantly.. i've decided not to get hurt every time my eyes will gaze at that empty space in my puzzle..

i may have lost a piece.. but there are still pieces remaining in my puzzle that I need to take care of and hold firmly in their place.. and though my puzzle will be left incomplete.. i believe that new pieces will come to me and though nothing could replace and fit in that empty space.. i know that i could still build another puzzle out of the new pieces that will soon arrive..

miSsinG pieCe parT II*

i've lost a piece and it's impossible to bring it back..

i was too careless.. i was too slack..

i spent so much time thinking about this and that..

i was indecisive and that's a fact..

such a coward to take the risk..

so scared to get out of my league..

time is fast and before i knew it..

my piece has already taken a leap..

i've lost a piece and it's almost impairing..

the pain is striking and inside i am grieving..

silently i weep to conceal that i'm hurting..

for how long.. i don't know.. but in sadness i am sinking..

miSsinG pieCe*

each piece in our puzzle is unique.. each plays a different role in our puzzle.. some of the pieces will come to you even if you don't look for
them.. while some are hard to find even if you have all eyes out
searching for them.. some of it stays in place even if it's loosely fitted.. while others fall even if you're holding it tight.. some of the fallen pieces could be brought back.. you just have to catch it quickly.. hold a grip.. and do even
the most impossible to avoid loosing it twice.. hold your pieces tight.. never loose a grip.. because some of
the pieces, if fallen, will not come back to you even if you
trade all the other pieces left for that one single piece.. and it will leave your puzzle incomplete.. for the rest of your
life..

*ReeL*ReaL*

Reality freaks us all. But we must not be scared of what reality has in store for us. Rather, be bothered by the thought of how should we deal with the pouring truths, and what to contribute to create a more sensible reality.

[date created--10/17/06]

//\\`stRikiNg siLenCe'//\\

SILENCE brings the loudest noise we could ever hear. It enables us to perceive all the unheard thoughts. It won't leave us, not until we are deaf of the screaming conflicts. It makes us aware of our instabilities and helps us realize our frustrations and desires. It opens our minds to our unconscious inclinations and diverts our thoughts onto something unnoticeable. Silence can either MAKE or BREAK. It can make us sensible and free from uncertainties, or break us with our vulnerabilities and strangled thoughts.

[date created--10/13/06]

aS a ManNeR oF FacT

we always have a choice..
we can choose to be kind..
or we can choose to be rude..
we can choose between being careful or reckless..
we could even be thoughtful or neglectful..
we cannot blame the people we mingle with everyday
nor the environment that we try to adopt to all our lives..
it's just a matter of deciding
whether to cause harm or be warm..

[date created--08/21/06]

miSjudGed

We are often blinded by what we see and because of that, we overlook essential details that would've changed the way we view the subject as a whole. Never focus on the subject alone. See through it, scrutinize, connect. Later on you will understand, recognize and appreciate.

[date created--12/10/05]