-- stiLL iN gRief --

Presence is important not only when acknowledged, it is the absence of recognition that makes it special..

[date created--09/24/03]

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"It won't make a difference if you'd go there. She won't even know you were there.."

Why is it important for some people to attend to someone only when their presence are noticed? It's like a condition that you'd only consider appearing if you are recognized. This kind of thought is disturbing. Something I won't ever comprehend. Don't they realize that just by being there is such a fulfillment? Nothing compares to the feeling of being with someone you value because you'll never know.. you'll never know if you'd ever get a chance to do it again.

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I wouldn't care if she doesn't hear me. I wouldn't care if she won't be able to see me, or if she won't even perceive me. I'd be there just to feel her heartbeat like when she was putting me to sleep. Just the warmth of her hand and the touch of her breath on my cheeks would've been enough because those used to comfort me. I'd be there just to be there for her, like the way she used to be here for me.

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But I was forbidden to go. I should have been persuasive for now I'm drowning in regrets. I can't still forgive myself for letting someone restrain me. I should have been there even just for the last time. And now I'm still in misery. Nine years, and I'm still grieving.

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I miss you badly.. Lola..