nOt LoVe buT LiFe..

Don’t look for someone whom you could share love for the rest of your life. Be with the one whom you can share life even if you take out love and passion.

[date created--02/12/06]

Often, we are asked about the characteristics or standards that meet our ideal partners. And often, we give the same answers such as; kind, caring, thoughtful, witty, patient, and most of all, someone who will love us back till death to us part. We often believe that love alone is the foundation of a relationship and love alone can withstand every trial that will come between couples. But, what is really essential in finding a partner? What should really be your standards?

All of us are trying to find the perfect someone for us, for we believe that if we found that someone, we will happily spend our life with that person. Once we decide to commit with someone, a vow always follows. We vow to be with our partner for whenever, however, and whatever it takes. We vow to understand, respect, and protect each other by all means. We vow to love each other for the rest of our lives. But, should love really be the basis to fulfill all these vows? Do love really lasts a lifetime?

We all are unique in our own ways, that’s why we are called individuals. When we decide to commit with someone, we don’t become one, we are still two individuals who just decided to share a life together. We still have different interests, moods, opinions, although we have similarities that made us jive together. As the relationship grows, the individuals concerning that relationship also grow. But the tendency is that some grow together while others grow apart and that is the sad part. Once they grow apart, they will eventually come to a decision to live apart from each other and that is where the relationship fails. What happens now to the vows made during the commitment? It all went to nothing. Ask the big question “WHY did the relationship fail?” and the answer is simple. It’s either one of them fell out of love, or both of them did.

Learning how to drive and committing ourselves with someone have similarities. When we decided that we want to learn how to drive, we always get nervous during our first few practices. We’re afraid of bumping onto something or breaking the car. But after going through that scary part, thrill comes when we finally learn how to drive. We often feel overwhelmed with the new skill we learned. It was like a very special skill for us. There will come a time that all we want to do is to drive all day and we won’t even feel tired. But then, as time passes, the thrill we felt when we first learned how to drive will wear out. We did not decide to loose the thrill but it just wears out naturally -- we got used to driving -- but the thing is, even if the thrill is gone, our driving skill is still there. And no matter what we do, we could never forget or take away that skill we’ve learned. We will always possess the skill of driving.

Before we decide to commit, we always think first of what ifs. What if he/she doesn’t really love me or what if we are not destined for each other? We are often afraid to make a decision because we are afraid to make mistakes and break our hearts. After thinking things through and we finally decided to commit, we’ll be on the stage of being the happiest person in the world because we thought that we were right with our decision. We really are in-love and that we really are meant for each other and we vow to be together forever. But in a relationship, like in driving, we will also get used to some things that we often do or we normally do. Things will become a routine, something like a cycle. In time, even the most special feeling we believe that keeps the relationship will also wear out, LOVE. Then we will ask ourselves, “How could this happen? We were so in love then. And we vowed to be in-love forever.”

In entering a commitment, assurance about staying in-love for the rest of your life should never be the only basis. It is not the most important thing in keeping the relationship. Naturally, things wear out, even our feelings that we never had the slightest idea of giving up. It is a fact that our love for the person is the main factor that helps us in decision-making with regards to committing ourselves, but we have to consider some other things. There are still other questions we have to ask ourselves like, can I stand living my life with him/her even if things went upside down? Can I live with all his/her not so pleasant manners and habits? Can I accept all his/her flaws and not get tired of it? Remember that once we commit to someone, that someone becomes our constant companion. We vowed to share a life with our partner and not just love. That even love wears out -- loyalty, respect, honesty, or in other words friendship, should still remain. That way, we get to keep our vows, as well as the relationship we treasure the most.