--i am sorry i'm not sorry--

I have not been the ideal person for you. My treatment to you may not conform to our custom and people may find my actions peculiar. I may have violated some of your rules and though it doesn’t show, guilt was eating me every time I’ve wronged you. But of all the transgressions I’ve committed, self-reproach has left me this time. I was sorry for breaking your rule. But I’m sorry as well for not feeling sorry for what I did. I know you think it’s wrong and you believe it’s unconventional, but I have my own reasons.

It’s not about breaking rules anymore, or breaking one’s trust. It’s about being responsible and mature enough to stand with your decisions. It’s pushing through your limit but at the same time putting up another set of rules, not for others but for yourself. Setting your own limitations and constructing your guidelines in accordance with your own principles and set of standards.

I wish I can make you understand and see things through my perspective but I know it’s impossible. You may want to hear more of my reasons but I will refuse because I’m afraid it will only complicate matters. I’m not good at expressing myself, or expounding my thoughts, or defending myself, because when I do, I often lose myself, I tear apart, and nothing will make sense.